It's been a year. One whole year. And you? Are still fresh in my mind.
One would imagine that after the lying I would be completely rid of you. I'm not. Little things remind me of you: any new ford f-150, zac brown's "whatever it is", (ironically enough) he's just not that into you, ole miss, and htc phones. I wouldn't jump at the chance at getting involved with you again. I wouldn't even welcome a friendship. I just like torturing myself. Apparently.
Not only do I keep you in my memory, I also keep her. The conversation exists as if it happened yesterday. "It wasn't like he wasn't getting any at home. He was just getting more of it somewhere else." "I notice when you haven't shaved in a couple of days. Not when you've taken out the trash or emptied the dishwasher." "I can't believe he cheated on me with someone ten years younger than me! And his assistant, at that!" You and me both.
Part of me doesn't want to let him go. While I remember what happened, how I was treated, and the lies, I also remember the things he said that could make me smile. The way he could stay calm when everyone else was freaking out at work. The way his hands felt against my skin. The way his lips felt against mine. And then? I realize that she probably loved the way he stayed calm in an unnerving situation. And the way his hands felt against her skin. And the way his lips matched hers. And then? I'm pissed.
I don't feel that he's a bad guy. I think he just got caught up in something that was readily available. I provided an outlet from his mundane life as a husband and father. I am everything she is not.
Am I allowed to feel cheated on too? I was, after all, the other woman. Had I known, though? Not even. Breaking up a happy home? Not on my to-do list.
He was my first for many things. I'd never had a boyfriend prior to him. I'd never allowed anyone to get close. To really see who Amanda was. I could love with all my being, but it was extremely hard to allow someone to love me back. It was hard to accept that I was worthy of some one's love. When he said those three words to me, I melted. I felt worthy of his love. I felt he was worthy of mine. Hindsight's 20/20.
Last I heard, they were in marriage counseling. Trying to repair the damage. Trying to trust each other again. Trying to make a ten year marriage, an eleven year marriage. I wish them luck.
And, when I think of wishing luck? I think of something he said, "Don't wish for luck. Take luck."
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Ohhhh Girlie....
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you that eventually you won't have any feelings of any sort about this situation. But I'm not a liar. In my experience, it fades, but some things will always be a reminder. Six years later? I still change the radio if certain songs come on. I can smell Tommy cologne (don't laugh, it was 6 years ago) and instantly be transported back. When your first love breaks your heart, it leaves a mark, and it changes you. In some ways, it hardens you, makes you (more) cynical, closes you off. And when you do meet someone worth spending your time with (and you will) it is a little harder, it moves a little slower, you're a little more careful. It makes you wiser, and it shapes who you become and how you love. But all of it, all the messiness, all of the precautions, all of the hurt and fear? Make you who you are at the of everything.
Oh- it's changed me all right...I'm asking for social security numbers instead of phone numbers, now :)
ReplyDeleteHe wore Burberry(?). I haven't smelled it since him and I hope I never smell it. If prince charming came along and wore that cologne? Complete deal breaker.
I feel silly, sometimes, with how I feel. I won't find someone else until I let go of him. Completely. And, right now, I don't know that I can/want to.
Eventually I'll get over it/him. Just not today.
And thanks for your words of wisdom. And for not sugarcoating things. That's why I love you!